Malec: An Exaggerated Mortal Instruments Fanfic
by 6grapeytoes6
Summary: My cracktastic Malec... story/parody thing. Warning: Crude sex jokes, but no explicit scenes, I think. I apologize for the silliness and the fact that I sometimes sound... British? I ramble a bit and use big words sometimes. :P Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1: A Shiny Advertisement

Alec was walking down a deserted street in Brooklyn, lamenting over his unfortunate and completely unromantic relationship with Jace. He thought of his Parabatai's perfect golden locks and deliciously toned abs. The mental image was almost too much to bear; Alec was on the verge of falling to his knees and sobbing desperately out of woe.

However, the blue-eyed shadow hunter saw something out of the corner of his eye

just before he broke down in utter misery. There was a glittery poster pinned up on the wall of a building to his left. In great big blue letters, the paper proclaimed, "FREE SEX!"

Intrigued, Alec approached the poster, reading the smaller print underneath.

**Yes, indeed! I am offering free sex. But only if you are a rather oblivious gay shadow hunter with black hair and blue eyes who is currently still in the closet. Also, your name must be Alec Lightwood. Head to the apartment of Magnus Bane, the High Warlock of Brooklyn, between the hours of 11:30 p.m. and 3:52 a.m. if interested. Bring whipped cream.**

**P.S. You're sexy!**

Alec turned his head to the side, staring at the glittering poster thoughtfully. "What a flattering advertisement!" he exclaimed. "I might as well check it out, as I am extremely vulnerable and confused at this particular moment in time. I wonder why they are offering "sex" inside Magnus's apartment. What is this "sex"? Perhaps this mysterious individual means to invite me in for a pleasant chat over candy and strawberry shortcakes! That must be what the whipped cream is for!"

Alec proceeded to skip joyfully down the street, but hadn't gotten more than five feet before he stopped dead in his tracks, a blinding terror gripping at his heart.

"_How do they know I'm gay?_" he screamed out loud, causing a few people to peer out through their windows curiously. Upon seeing it was Alec, they chuckled knowingly and went back to their tea and biscuits. "Oh, Alec," they crooned as they shook their heads. "Who_ doesn't_ know?"

Outside, Alec was shrieking girlishly whilst tearing the poster to shreds, least Jace should see it. He still planned on accepting the kind individual's offer for sugary treats, but was flummoxed as to why they would post such personal information in such a public place, where prying eyes and ravenous fangirls could see.

Hiding a particularly shiny strip of poster in his jacket pocket, Alec checked his watch. "Oh! How convenient! It is precisely 12:25 a.m., which falls nicely into the given times provided by my anonymous friend! Why I'm walking down a street in Brooklyn at this hour, I have no idea, but I think I shall proceed to Magnus's apartment so we might begin our chat."

And off he went, sauntering... dare I say it….

… _gaily _down the street towards his destination.


	2. Chapter 2: Alec Gets A Nosebleed

Alec had climbed the stairs leading up to Magnus's apartment and was now staring at the doorbell with dismay. Someone had decorated it with shiny rhinestones of various colors, creating a sunburst design around the device. That wasn't the reason Alec was feeling anxious, though. The effect was nice, really, and the contrasting shades of the fake jewels really added dimension and flair to what had before been an undoubtedly bland doorbell. No, what was worrying Alec was the possibility of seeing Magnus before he could reach the person who wanted to talk to him over snacks. The warlock hadn't been responding to his flirty texts, which had included such racey phrases as, "How are you?" and "Do you know the weather forecast for next Tuesday?" Something had to be up, and Alec didn't need the awkward funk of sexual tension in the room when he met his mystery host.

Alec pondered a few moments longer, then shrugged. Maybe he could sneak in and hide before Magnus could see him. He pressed the glamorous door bell.

Magnus opened the door. _Well, snicker doodles. _Alec thought. _That plan sucked._

However, there was no sexual-tension funk. Magnus beamed at Alec, his snow white teeth almost blinding him with their brilliance. And they weren't the only things that were sparkling; Magnus's whole body was covered in glitter, so much so that he looked kind of like a Christmas tree decoration or something. His sex appeal was off the charts; he was wearing the most skin tight leather pants Alec had ever seen and a shimmering violet t-shirt. Alec managed to overcome his strong urge to attach Magnus to a string, hang him from the ceiling, and dance to bad disco songs in the rainbow light that would have reflected off his body, and gave a seductive greeting.

"Um… Hello, Magnus. What are you doing here?"

"Alec, babe, darling, love monkey," Magnus said, staring at Alec, amused, while he listed off a few names he often called the shadow hunter. "I live here. I should be asking why such a fine piece of work is standing at my front door instead of in my bedroom. Actually, you shouldn't just be in my bedroom. You should be strapped naked to my bedposts."

So much blood rushed into Alec's head that he felt dizzy and almost passed out.

A bit of it dribbled down out of his nose. He cleared his throat. "Actually, Magnus, that's why I'm here."

Magnus's face fell, shocked.

"What?" He asked. "Seriously?"`

Alec nodded. "Though I don't really know what this "sex" thing is, I came to your apartment because someone was offering it free. I figured they were going to give me sugary treats because they asked me to bring whipped cream." Alec held up a canister of it.

Magnus's many bracelets jangled as he smacked himself in the forehead. "No, Alec, this person was not offering you sugary treats."

Alec pouted.

"How do _you_ know?" He asked petulantly.

"Because I'm the one who hung the poster," Magnus responded patiently.

"_No way,_" Alec gasped. "Probably should have seen that one coming."

Magnus nodded in agreement and stood to the side, waving his arm in a welcoming sweep. "Let's not stand in the doorway like complete strangers. Come inside, and try to ignore the extra large lump in my pants."

Alec looked down as he passed Magnus.

"There isn't an extra large lump in your pants," he pointed out innocently. "It's actually kind-of tiny."

"Damn it, Lightwood, I told you to ignore it!" Magnus grumbled under his breath.


	3. Chapter 3: Sex is Strawberry Shortcake?

"And _that_, my friend, is how babies are made. Unless both the mommy and the daddy happen to be male." Magnus finished with a flourish.

Alec's face was horrified.

"_That's_ what sex is? It's nothing like strawberry shortcake!" Alec waved his arms hysterically as he yelled.

"Not so, babe, not so," Magnus shook his head, the wisdom of his years prevalent in his serious expression.

Alec stared at him dumbfounded. "How the heck is it anything like strawberry shortcake?"

Magnus raised an eyebrow suggestively. "Would you like me to demonstrate?"

"No," Alec said quickly.

"Thought not," Magnus said with a superior grin.


	4. Chapter 4: Squeaky Couch Noises

Alec and Magnus had moved on to the living room couch, which was making curious squeaking noises, almost as if someone were bouncing on it.

"Ow," Alec moaned. "My butt is so sore."

Magnus stopped bouncing up and down on the couch and turned to look at Alec.

"Maybe there's something under the cushion," he suggested.

Alec, who was sitting ridgedly on the opposite end of the couch, stood up and lifted up the cushion he had been sitting on.

"Hey," he said, pulling out a crumpled object. "Isn't this…?"

"Chairman Meow!" Magnus cried softly as he snatched his crushed cat from Alec. "I was wondering where you were!" He hugged the cat's mutilated form. It mewed weakly.

Alec looked at Chairman Meow, concerned. "Don't you think we should take him to the vet?" he asked.

"Nah," Magnus said, throwing his pet over his shoulder. The cat landed with a thump on the floor and mewed again.

"Walk it off, you pansy!" Magnus shouted.


	5. Chapter 5: Alec Is Confusing

"Seriously, Magnus, he looked pretty bad," Alec insisted. "How long was he under there?"

Magnus considered this for a moment. "Eh… about a week and a half. I noticed he'd gone missing after this crazy party I had, but I figured someone just stole him." He shrugged. "What're you gonna do?"

Alec gulped. "Definitely not you."

Magnus grinned. "That was a rhetorical question, love."

"Are you coming on to me?" Alec snapped.

"No." Magnus stated honestly, confused.

"Seriously, Magnus, I think you're a great guy and all but I'm not emotionally ready for this type of commitment."

"Alright," replied Magnus.

"Really, Magnus. _Stop_ forcing yourself on me!"

"Alec, I-"

"No, I will _not_ shove my tongue into your mouth! We'll just have to find some other kind of activity to occupy our time together!"

"Okay, sheesh." Magnus got up and went into another room. Alec could hear the sounds of cardboard boxes being moved around and sifted through.

"You better not be going through your handcuff collection, because I told you I'm _so_ not into that!" Alec called to him.

"Nah, that's a different box," replied Magnus. "Hey, for a guy who didn't know what sex was until, like, five minutes ago, you sure do know quite a bit about it."

"I didn't know the technical term. Whenever Jace mentioned it, he called it "banging her brains out", so I just assumed that's what it was."

"Wait. Why were you talking about sex with Jace?" Magnus returned with something in his hand.

"Oh, we weren't really talking about it. He was just mumbling to himself one time in the bathroom and- OH MY GOD!" Alec screamed when he saw the object Magnus was holding. "Magnus, I tell you you can't use handcuffs so you break out the _paddle_ instead?"

Magnus held up his hands defensively. "No Alec, that's not it."

But Alec wasn't listening. He had crossed his arms over his chest. "I'm not letting you spank me, no matter how pleasurable the experience would be."

"Alec, no, I was going to ask you if you wanted to play ping pong!"

"Well, _I'm_ certainly not spanking _you_. Do you seriously think I have what it takes to be the dominant one in this relationship? Despite my rippling muscles and years of shadow hunter training, I think my personality just screams 'submissive'. Were you not picking up on that? It's called 'body language', Magnus. Haven't you been reading my body? N-not that I think we should have a relationship, by any means, I'm still too hung up over Jace."

"Alec, do you want to play ping pong or not?"

"I understand you have needs, but-"

"Alec, SHUT UP," Magnus yelled, slapping the other boy hard across the face.

"This is what they call domestic violence, you know, Magnus. If I told anyone about this you'd get in double the trouble because what we've been doing can be classified as statutory rape, seeing as you're about 700 years older than me. You horny old man! I don't know why I find your sickness so attractive."

"No one has to find out, Alec. You can just tell everyone that the bruise is a giant hickey," Magnus suggested. "And we haven't been doing anything!"

Alec frowned. "A guy can dream, can't he?"

"You confuse me," Magnus stated simply. "You're worse than a girl."


	6. Chapter 6: Get A New Ping Pong Paddle

Magnus had sat back down on the couch, watching a tense Alec out of the corner of his eye. Alec was staring forward at the wall, unblinkingly, with his arms crossed.

"Alec, can't we do something?" Magnus whined.

"Not any of the things you're thinking of, you sex fiend," Alec replied.

"I'm beginning to think you want me to do some of these things," Magnus mumbled under his breath. Unfortunately, Alec heard.

"You think that- I would never- How could- Where would you put- _Why_ would you ever suggest something like that, Magnus?" Alec spluttered.

Magnus shrugged. "You just seem caught up on this topic, that's all."

Alec's eyes narrowed. "You know, my sister told me something about you."

Magnus's breath caught. Isabelle had said something? What? Had she really warned Alec? Was Magnus really that sleezy-looking that she had _warned_ Alec about him? Sure, he wore glitter and mesh shirts a lot, but that didn't mean he was some kind of scandalous slimeball!

"What'd she say?" Magnus asked, scared to find out.

"She said you were a sexy warlock," Alec said.

"What?" Magnus froze, bewildered. That wasn't a bad thing.

"And I agree with her," Alec stated.

"Alright…" Magnus said slowly.

"Are you really this dense?" Alec asked.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Magnus shot back.

Instead of responding, Alec just tackled Magnus and shoved his tongue in his mouth.

Magnus sat up. "You told me you weren't gonna do that!" He growled.

Alec smiled. "Reverse psychology, come on! You still have that paddle?"

"You are one confusing son of a bitch. And, yeah, I have the paddle. Why?"

Alec raised his eyebrows.

"No. This is my good set. I need this for ping pong, Alec. For ping pong! No! Put it back! NO! Ouch! Hey, that hurt!"

"Maybe I'm doing it wrong."

"Maybe it's supposed to be used for _ping pong_ and not for gay sex. Now put it back. Ow!"

"Not a chance, Magnus. This is too much fun. And where do you keep the booze in this place? I know you have some."


End file.
